I’m learning…

“God never gives us discernment so that we may criticize, but that we may intercede.” – Oswald Chambers

I was disappointed, really disappointed…with you & also…maybe more so…myself

I remember learning this lesson before, God entrusts many things to us, and many times it is for us to intercede, pray, and really get to the place where we see things as God does…and there have been times when i’ve not done that…and instead, i’ve released it before it was ready to be heard.

And this time, i’m angry…angry with myself, upset that things turned out like that…i’d rather you just say it, and yes, once again, i’m learning to trust in the midst of a mess. I’m sorry Lord, I’m learning, slowly but surely, i am…teach me, help me, I’m rather slow here…

Broken trust is hard to handle, and we all have to learn…I just read another quote…”How do you get disillusioned, unless it was just an illusion at first…”

And yes, sometimes, things feel like an illusion, when simple words can hurt and tear down completely…And I’ll admit, i get disillusioned by people and how they are at times…and also of course…myself again, for sharing at the wrong time or to the wrong person…same lesson to learn…

But yes, this rings through to me…we are living in times of illusion, when people posture and deal falsely…I try so hard to tear those down, but at these times, i feel disillusioned…like i’m snatching at clouds…i deal honestly and work to serve in love, so yes, if you have something to say, just say it…if not, then please don’t pass judgement on me unfairly…especially behind my back…i thought you knew my heart in sharing with you…

I’m trying to live the way that Jesus did, and yes, now…i’m realising why it was so hard…And why the people who hurt Jesus the most were not the ones who threw rocks, but the ones who killed with their words, or neglected in their actions…i asked with a heart to pray, in my vulnerabilty & time of trust, i didn’t expect it to be sent flailing about to others…that’s not cool…at all

Somewhere, someone, somehow, came up with much wisdom…they said, just avoid those who hurt you…i think that is just a pithy statement…sounds good, and logical, but doesn’t address anything, just avoids the issue. I’m not like that…

you know…i realised that God says something else…He said go, and forgive…forgive not because it’s easy…not because it is cheap, not because you want to…but forgive because it is COSTLY, totally PRICELESS, forgive because it sets you free as much as it does the other person, forgive because in doing so…you GIVE as Jesus gave, and that is what we have been entrusted with…

They said of Jesus, that a prophet is never welcomed in his hometown…still…He lived for what was right, not what others thought…

I’m learning Lord, the hard lessons…of doing right and accepting the hurt that comes with it. Of being someone who leans in and trusts God more than man…Of being a person of integrity, always…especially when it’s easier to speak out than to shut up…I’m hurt, but yes, it’s ok…i know You’ll help me sort it out again…i choose to forgive…even though forgiving means i feel it more, such a paradox…such a paradox…pls give me that grace to not count the cost…

I’m learning that…Forgiveness is free only for the recipient…Look at God, Forgiveness wasn’t just a word…it wasn’t free…it cost Him EVERYTHING…

How much it must have hurt to have had to endure those moments…and to have heard his only Son, His beloved, Jesus say…
“”My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” I can just feel those emotions right now…and…it….is…not…cheap…at…all…

Thank You for showing the way first Lord, and thank you for always being there Lord…When i feel judged or misunderstood, when good intentions are twisted into cruel ones, when people talk behind my back and others fail to defend or speak up for me, when people i thought were my friends…turned out to be less than that…i know that i feel just abit of what You went through…and this sounds abit sick…but somehow…that is comforting for me right now…just to know that you’ve been there, and that you know my feelings…and why i’m sad…

Ok…i need some cow time with You, so…this goes offline…

Broken Arrow

I remember that term from the show of the same name…and it meant that a nuke was missing…but i also remember that it was used in another military show, so i went to check it out! And…it’s from “We were soldiers”! and it’s meant to call in an airstrike near a friendly position that has been overrun, it’s a dangerous last resort as it has a high probability of “friendly” casualties, but it may be also…the only chance to save them…

Irony isn’t it?

But yes, i was captured by the term, and also the whole concept of it all…I think, in reality, we have many “broken arrow” moments in life! Moments that someone speaks to us in love knowing that it will hurt us, but at the same time it might be the thing that saves us, life in those “broken arrow” moments are really uncomfortable, yet, it is also extremely redeeming…and freeing…

I still remember one of my first such moments, I’d made an imprudent choice to forgo a sunday of worship & fellowship, for a really frivolous reason…and when in the meet up with church people after, one of them took me aside to ask me abt the morning i went missing, and when the frivolous reason was found out, proceeded to lovingly yet firmly ask about my choices and also what i was valuing…That was a really sobering moment…and one that really stands out in my memory, because the person showed me what true love meant. Placing loving rebuke above a sub-standard friendship, risking our good relations by stirring up a possible hornets nest, choosing to speak when it was easier to say nothing, being a true friend more than just a bystander…

I’m forever grateful for that, a moment that still counts as one of my all time most important moments. One that made me question priorities and really…did i truly love God as much as i said i did? That was a pivotal moment…

These days…i’m truly worried…this year itself, I’ve totally lost track of how many times i’ve felt frail, how often i feel physically weak and bodily ill, and then those moments when warfare around me has been so intense i felt like i was sinking all the time. When i first thought of the term “broken arrow”, it was because i felt so weakened and broken this past year, how i did not even feel like i was much of an instrument (arrow) in God’s hands…it just seemed like this year was so much more defeat, sorrow & sadness…but yes, now, looking at the term again, and seeing it as it is used in military life…i can liken it to where i am…this year has been filled with some “friendly fire”, some panic moments & of course spiritual warfare that has been rearing it’s ugly head, yet…i’ve also seen God not only save me with His Mighty Hands, but also using the people and circumstances around to shape, mould, help, grow, save & do the things i could never do myself! I feel that this has truly been a “broken arrow” year…and yes, one that God is using to save, redeem, grow and to shape for His Glory! For all of these, i’m thankful!

Wondering how this looks like to God actually…the musings of a person…imperfect yet wanting more, broken yet restored in Him, looking up in Hope yet acknowledging the daily moments…the world says snatch what you want, God says wait on the Lord…and so…when faced with the choice…what do you do? I wait…cuz He says wait…broken arrow? Nah…not in His hands…=)