And after awhile…we find out something weird…
Have you ever noticed that…you can WANT, but WANT’s somehow fail to satisfy?

Like…somehow, even after we get all we WANT, something is still missing?

I think the WANT way of life is way too…natural to our senses
And i’m finding that…sometimes, what i want, is possibly the worst and most harmful thing actually…

I want to only relax & play, have no responsibilities, eat what i want, drink what i want, do only what i fancy, say whatever i want to (no matter if it hurts someone), take what i want to, refuse to do whatever i don’t want to, exercise my mouth, never my brain or my body…and hmmmm…so…if i REALLY did all i wanted, would i like the person i become?

I think not…

And that’s all the motivation i need to find another, better way to live.

I’ve found that living life according to the Jesus way is hard…
the kind of Love that He exhibits is really…out of this world…
He sat with all, but had this special affection for the poor, lost, and infirm…
He walked with many, yet chose 12 ordinary men to spend most time with,
He sat in the house of sinners, and He never scoffed at them, but showed them Love

I heard Michael Ramsden say this…
Why is a gold wedding band expensive? or even Why is gold expensive?

It is ONLY because people are willing to pay a certain price to it,
people are the ones who assign value to gold or to any other thing we deem as precious.
That’s why we call gold a ‘precious metal’ otherwise it would just be a lump of metal!

Well…if that is the case…then…what do you make of this? God sent His ONLY son for us…
Look around you…look at yourself…
God has assigned a price to each & everyone of us…a PRICELESS tag…
His ONLY SON, Jesus Christ, died for us…
He has assigned us with a value beyond measure…
Was i worth it? I WANT to say NO, but God said otherwise…
And He proved it on by that sacrifice on the Cross
And how can I fight that?

So now, i have no greater WANT than this…
I WANT to be like Christ, to Love like Him & to Live like Him,
Following that example well will kill or redeem all other lesser wants…
And yes, that is something i would really WANT

reason being…things have been thrown off for me since Christmas’09, i think that i’ve been off-kilter since that time…and little bits and pieces of me have been strewn everywhere since then.

It was a really mixed 30Dec, it was META Project X day, so we went out and came back celebrating! Because almost 40 ppl PRC’d! yet…in the joyousness of it all, we received solemn news of Rajan’s going home to be with the Lord…that was a total shock, and though i was able to hold it together so that we could run Finale nite, still…i have to say, it DID hit me too, since we were in rather close proximity for our GCTC days. And oh yes, the intangible was…because the news came on my birthday, it just made me think and reflect on life, and how i’ve lived it.

I think that Divine Appointments happen all the time if we open our eyes to see it, and i think that i’ve been looking out for God more these days! And yes, even such solemn news can be a divine appointment if we see it as such…and yes, i’m looking for more of God, i think i need a deeper sense of Personal Revival, and i want to walk in Active Obedience, even when it is hard. Right now, i feel like i’m in the crucible…and it is hard, yet it is also making me thirsty for more of God! and yes, that is good!! =)

Something funny hit me…i don’t think it’s very biblical, but i’d just indulge in this for abit! =P

If we are called to be Salt and Light, Salt is pretty salty and dries the mouth right? and Light, well…standing in the Light makes us sweat doesn’t it?…then doesn’t it make perfect sense that if we are SALT & LIGHT, then we’re also pretty thirsty people? People who THIRST for the living God, for the streams of Living water provided only by Him! =D Haha!

I wanna be a thirsty man, one who hungers and thirsts for Righteousness! =)

Well meaning people have told me, “you’re fit, you run and you play soccer, why don’t you just run and then get the shirt, and you can surely do it!” And yes, i believe that is so…i’ve done my research, even if you walk at an average pace of 5km/hr you can finish it in 8hrs…it’s not much of a problem.

I know i can finish, i did it last year despite being ill, but if the point is just to finish…then i’ve missed the point for myself. This year, the goal is not just to finish, but to improve and to maintain long term fitness, and here comes the ironic part…if i were to just push myself to finish (but i walked most of the way) I would know that i did it just for the shirt, and that’s not an achievement for me. If i were to push myself for the race, and then crash for a week to recover, i’d have just trashed my body (just a week before my IPPT, not smart…) and in the process, actually set my long term training back quite afew weeks…the sudden burst to do 42.195km, when i’ve just been hovering around 10km and clocking little time on the roads isn’t a prudent one…it may even be a destructive one

Yes, it means giving up some $$ paid, it means being abit embarassed by saying i’m not running though i signed up, it means that my pride is a little hurt. Yet…at the same time, weighing the other side, i’ve an IPPT in 2 weeks which i’ve targetted an award, i’ll still be on track for my long term fitness plan, and yes, i’ll not have to worry about recovery for the next few weeks (when i’ll be really busy with SMC, Youth Camp & META)…

So…this year, the marathon has taught me something else…sometimes, the best thing to do, is to give up a short term achievement for the long term benefit. The process of long term training is of more value than a momentary, quick win…

On the flipside, if i had put in the training, i would have enjoyed the rewards! And yes, i’ve been reminded of another truth…

“You’ve been raised on the Message of the faith and have followed sound teaching. Now pass on this counsel to the followers of Jesus there, and you’ll be a good servant of Jesus. Stay clear of silly stories that get dressed up as religion. Exercise daily in God—no spiritual flabbiness, please! Workouts in the gymnasium are useful, but a disciplined life in God is far more so, making you fit both today and forever. You can count on this. Take it to heart. This is why we’ve thrown ourselves into this venture so totally. We’re banking on the living God, Savior of all men and women, especially believers.” 1 Peter 4:6 (MSG)

Exercising DAILY in God, maintaining that intimacy and spiritual discipline is of great eternal rewards. I need to keep my eyes on the goal…and sometimes that means giving up things that appear good in front of me.

So simple, yet so profound.

I was disappointed, really disappointed…with you & also…maybe more so…myself

I remember learning this lesson before, God entrusts many things to us, and many times it is for us to intercede, pray, and really get to the place where we see things as God does…and there have been times when i’ve not done that…and instead, i’ve released it before it was ready to be heard.

And this time, i’m angry…angry with myself, upset that things turned out like that…i’d rather you just say it, and yes, once again, i’m learning to trust in the midst of a mess. I’m sorry Lord, I’m learning, slowly but surely, i am…teach me, help me, I’m rather slow here…

Broken trust is hard to handle, and we all have to learn…I just read another quote…”How do you get disillusioned, unless it was just an illusion at first…”

And yes, sometimes, things feel like an illusion, when simple words can hurt and tear down completely…And I’ll admit, i get disillusioned by people and how they are at times…and also of course…myself again, for sharing at the wrong time or to the wrong person…same lesson to learn…

But yes, this rings through to me…we are living in times of illusion, when people posture and deal falsely…I try so hard to tear those down, but at these times, i feel disillusioned…like i’m snatching at clouds…i deal honestly and work to serve in love, so yes, if you have something to say, just say it…if not, then please don’t pass judgement on me unfairly…especially behind my back…i thought you knew my heart in sharing with you…

I’m trying to live the way that Jesus did, and yes, now…i’m realising why it was so hard…And why the people who hurt Jesus the most were not the ones who threw rocks, but the ones who killed with their words, or neglected in their actions…i asked with a heart to pray, in my vulnerabilty & time of trust, i didn’t expect it to be sent flailing about to others…that’s not cool…at all

Somewhere, someone, somehow, came up with much wisdom…they said, just avoid those who hurt you…i think that is just a pithy statement…sounds good, and logical, but doesn’t address anything, just avoids the issue. I’m not like that…

you know…i realised that God says something else…He said go, and forgive…forgive not because it’s easy…not because it is cheap, not because you want to…but forgive because it is COSTLY, totally PRICELESS, forgive because it sets you free as much as it does the other person, forgive because in doing so…you GIVE as Jesus gave, and that is what we have been entrusted with…

They said of Jesus, that a prophet is never welcomed in his hometown…still…He lived for what was right, not what others thought…

I’m learning Lord, the hard lessons…of doing right and accepting the hurt that comes with it. Of being someone who leans in and trusts God more than man…Of being a person of integrity, always…especially when it’s easier to speak out than to shut up…I’m hurt, but yes, it’s ok…i know You’ll help me sort it out again…i choose to forgive…even though forgiving means i feel it more, such a paradox…such a paradox…pls give me that grace to not count the cost…

I’m learning that…Forgiveness is free only for the recipient…Look at God, Forgiveness wasn’t just a word…it wasn’t free…it cost Him EVERYTHING…

How much it must have hurt to have had to endure those moments…and to have heard his only Son, His beloved, Jesus say…
“”My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” I can just feel those emotions right now…and…it….is…not…cheap…at…all…

Thank You for showing the way first Lord, and thank you for always being there Lord…When i feel judged or misunderstood, when good intentions are twisted into cruel ones, when people talk behind my back and others fail to defend or speak up for me, when people i thought were my friends…turned out to be less than that…i know that i feel just abit of what You went through…and this sounds abit sick…but somehow…that is comforting for me right now…just to know that you’ve been there, and that you know my feelings…and why i’m sad…

Ok…i need some cow time with You, so…this goes offline…

Irony isn’t it?

But yes, i was captured by the term, and also the whole concept of it all…I think, in reality, we have many “broken arrow” moments in life! Moments that someone speaks to us in love knowing that it will hurt us, but at the same time it might be the thing that saves us, life in those “broken arrow” moments are really uncomfortable, yet, it is also extremely redeeming…and freeing…

I still remember one of my first such moments, I’d made an imprudent choice to forgo a sunday of worship & fellowship, for a really frivolous reason…and when in the meet up with church people after, one of them took me aside to ask me abt the morning i went missing, and when the frivolous reason was found out, proceeded to lovingly yet firmly ask about my choices and also what i was valuing…That was a really sobering moment…and one that really stands out in my memory, because the person showed me what true love meant. Placing loving rebuke above a sub-standard friendship, risking our good relations by stirring up a possible hornets nest, choosing to speak when it was easier to say nothing, being a true friend more than just a bystander…

I’m forever grateful for that, a moment that still counts as one of my all time most important moments. One that made me question priorities and really…did i truly love God as much as i said i did? That was a pivotal moment…

These days…i’m truly worried…this year itself, I’ve totally lost track of how many times i’ve felt frail, how often i feel physically weak and bodily ill, and then those moments when warfare around me has been so intense i felt like i was sinking all the time. When i first thought of the term “broken arrow”, it was because i felt so weakened and broken this past year, how i did not even feel like i was much of an instrument (arrow) in God’s hands…it just seemed like this year was so much more defeat, sorrow & sadness…but yes, now, looking at the term again, and seeing it as it is used in military life…i can liken it to where i am…this year has been filled with some “friendly fire”, some panic moments & of course spiritual warfare that has been rearing it’s ugly head, yet…i’ve also seen God not only save me with His Mighty Hands, but also using the people and circumstances around to shape, mould, help, grow, save & do the things i could never do myself! I feel that this has truly been a “broken arrow” year…and yes, one that God is using to save, redeem, grow and to shape for His Glory! For all of these, i’m thankful!

Wondering how this looks like to God actually…the musings of a person…imperfect yet wanting more, broken yet restored in Him, looking up in Hope yet acknowledging the daily moments…the world says snatch what you want, God says wait on the Lord…and so…when faced with the choice…what do you do? I wait…cuz He says wait…broken arrow? Nah…not in His hands…=)

Funny how things can go…=)

My watch has its value in so many realms that it’s not just a watch anymore…
Time holds alot of value for me, because i realise i only have 24hrs a day and i have to pack work, leisure & rest in, proper time management is really important for me! So on the most basic level, the ability of the watch to keep time is what helps me order my day well, to make use of the moments i have, and to be responsible so that i can use my time wisely!

On another level, my trusty timex ironman with it’s 100m Water resistance & ability to track my lap times…that has been invaluable for me in my training! It’s such a simple function, but it has taken on such an important function as i train and discipline my body each time i exercise…this helps me to log my speed, intensity of workout and track how long i’ve trained. Something i need as i progress in my training.

Then…the most intangible of it all…my watch is valuable because of the memories that i’ve had with it…this was the watch that saved my hand from being cut when a box felt on me! In the process, the thick rubber strap was cut almost all the way through! It has been with me through training runs and through marathons, and i just realised something…i never take my watch off, except when i clean, so it has been one of my most constant companions through time! Wow! =) Of course there are other memories, too numerous and mundane to mention…

I realise that i really treasure and value things, yet the value comes not from price or beauty, but from the memories and what we have been through…that is invaluable, i must be getting old to be reminicesing like this, but yes, true value never stems from the external, it is hidden, deep, and intangible…and yes, i believe in that strongly! No wonder I remember so many things and smile at those memories! =)

Someone made a comment that made me think…they just seemed to indicate that…deep inside, they had doubts that God would hear our prayers, or that God wouldn’t bother himself over “small” matters.

Somehow, comments like these stir my senses…and yes, i think that i want to put such things to bed. In my mind, God is profound, yet…He is also profoundly SIMPLE. When we were children, didn’t we have those nights (or even days!) when we would plead, beg & even promise our best behaviour for things we wanted? Hey…i bet some of us do it now also…=)

But as we “grow up”, we think that these things are “childish”, and display a lack of “maturity”…hmmmm…maybe, that’s not a clear understanding of God.

I think God is BIG, He is omnipotent & omniscient, He is all-powerful & all-knowing, and yes, He has given us the gift of prayer for us to partner with Him in the work…and make no mistake, prayer is hard work, prayer is a muscle, one that we flex in the heavenly realms! I think sometimes we forget that it is so…and that’s why we give up praying for something or someone, or we begin to “reason” things out for God…like…”Oh…God is too busy to hear my repeated prayers”, or “God doesn’t need us to keep bugging Him over this matter…”

Well…i see it the other way really…sometimes, we do not know what is important to us until we are willing to get on our knees for an extended period, to really place it before God. I think that perseverence in prayer is not FOR God, it is for US, it is to build us up, and draw us deeper into intimacy with our Father. It’s not a “small” matter to God, nothing is too small for Him, and anything that causes us to run to Him, is actually something that God uses to build our relationship with Him.

Like a kid talking to his father, we can babble nonsense but our father would still love it because we are desiring to connect with him, we count him important and want to chat with him! That’s a really important part of prayer that is so easily missed out.

And yes…i KNOW that there are no “small” matters to God, because He Loves us and knows what is close to our hearts, so God understands even if our deepest desires feel “immature” or “childish” to us…

And to the other matter…it is not “bugging” God when we constantly go to God for the things on our hearts, or for recurring prayer prequests…and more importantly, it is NOT a lack of faith that God will answer, rather…it is the practice of persevering in prayer, and bringing important matters to God constantly. I can say I display monstrous faith if i pray once for the salvation of those close to me and never do it again…but in the book of Daniel, Daniel prayed for an extended time before the answer came, and the prayers made a crucial difference! This is what i believe…God has given us a portion in prayer, we have a chance to pratner God…and yes, that is our part to play, we cannot slack, we have to be faithful and pray…so yes, i will always enjoy the privilege of Prayer! It is such a joy to be able to meet with God over EVERYTHING and to know that He cares deeply!

I’m supposed to be in the process of moving, shifting house from where i am now (Aunt’s place) to moving back home to my parent’s place (2 streets away)…It’s supposed to be a gradual move because there is no place back home, and yes, last update was that my sister is in the process of moving out of her room, but…that is pretty much just a locational move, because the cupboards are still filled with her stuff, and the room is packed with my mum’s stuff also…so yes, basically, there is NO space at home.

So…in the past few weeks, i’ve been taking the time to pack and to get my stuff over each weekend…the good thing is that almost all my books are over, however, all my clothes are still in my aunt’s place…it has led me to feel disconnected, like i’m stuck in 2 places…and now, i guess i’m feeling it so much more, because i know there is no cupboard for me, no place to put my clothes, so if i move over completely, i feel like i’ve got to live out of a bag…that’s ok if i’m on a mission, or if i’m camping for a week or so…but i cannot picture myself living like that out of my own home…

However, I think i’m really in stress mode now…when i came back to my Aunt’s place on Friday, i saw a push-trolley with a bunch of my stuff on it, & it was NOT a welcome sight as i opened the front door…I just felt really…urrrggghhhh…words cannot describe it

And yes, i have to admit i am affected…
As if feeling like i’m living out of 2 places is not enough, i get no sense of peace each time i get home cuz of the incessant need to pack & hearing that i need to get the stuff over…guess i didn’t know how affected i was until today…and now, the worst thing is that though i have no room back home for me, i’m being “pushed” out of where i am, my stuff is put at the door for me, and i have no get the feeling of being unwanted…affected…yes, definitely…

well…just blogging to get my feelings out…this is much better than acting out somehow…

sigh…

This quote is making me ponder and reflect…
And my immediate gut feel is that…this is sadly, very true

When I read Nat’s blog post about people dressing up to come to church,
about how they walk in late, and the outfit screams “LOOK AT MEEEEE!!!”
Wow…that was a really startling and stark reality check…(ref: Bloom’s quote above)

Yes…makes me wonder what we are believing in, and how we’re living it out…

Maybe that’s why, when i enter the sanctuary, I want to be in the front worshipping God!
I’m glad that being in front, there is seldom anyone disturbing me…
walking around wearing whatever it is they are wearing,
It’s heartening to know that’s all behind me (figuratively & in reality)
And that though, yes, i know that’s a reality,
Yet…i can choose to not be distracted and hone in on God

I realised that in the sanctuary, i have this habit of fixating on the Cross…
It’s not that i’m thinking of any deep thing, but i like to look at the Cross,
it centers me…and it just looks so…apt…there…
Simple, brown, no frills, on a white wall, and it looks like it’s floating there…
God makes life so simple & easy for us, yet we choose so many distractions…why?

We prefer the “good-to-have’s” more than the “best” from God,
If it were looks or function…frequently, looks would win out…

My yamaha guitar is a rarity nowadays, i think it sounds awesome,
cuz the wood has opened and matured, so the sound is really full…
yet, Taylors and other newer, “nicer” guitars have come along,
and some of these look good, have a brand, but really…hey…aren’t they all guitars?

Playing well, having a good-looking guitar, a thousand different things we can debate about…
but put ANY guitar in the hands of Jesse or Kevin, & they would sound more awesome than a fab guitar played by a newbie…

We so often miss the point that it is scary…
Our identity no longer comes from within, from our confidence in God…
Instead, it is becoming…things, what we wear, what we do, how we appear, what others think…
I remember trying all that before, and becoming hopelessly lost in self-defeatism…
When my esteem is based on things external, i begin to flounder when those are taken away…
Gradually, in my mellowing years, i’ve disregarded the things that are not foundational to me
Homing in only on what is solid, simple, true…

Back to the simplicity of Knowing only ONE,
When i know God, everything else makes alot more sense…
Maybe that is why i fixate on the cross…
Maybe that’s why during worship, i lift my eyes and refuse to look at others,
Maybe that’s why we have times dedicated to ONLY God…
Maybe that’s why i Love being in the sanctuary worshipping ONE only…
Worship is special to me, not only because we’re singing & lifting praise to God who deserves it all
It is unique because on great days, I can envision that this is what heaven looks like…
People in passionate expressions of worship & God delighting in our praises.

What is eternal and has significance should always take precedence over what isn’t.
That’s why i love it when i get to play with Krislyn & Meimei, Isaac, Taylor and the rest of the kids!
When i do, i get a sense of what Jesus felt when he said “Let the little children come to me”
It was a sense of love, delight, divine Joy, and totally unabashed affections!

Maybe that’s why I love to spend time with the people that i do…
just little bits of moments here and there, some aren’t very long,
But i do want to spend those moments, because they are significant

And i Love God’s simple reminders…Like Yuxuan…so simple and child-like
I love my encounters with God through him! =)
Like the time his eyes lit up when i gave him the BB handshake, because he was delighted to find out i was a BB boy too!
And then in youth camp where God touched him and he came to cry with me…
And back in church weeks after, when he came by to call me by name and shake hands…
I appreciate that though he finds my name hard to pronounce, he always tries to!
Gosh…such God moments…

I think that at the end of the day, i will not remm what people wore, i may not remm what they said…
but i will remm the moments God spoke through them, i will remm the times our hearts connected,
I will remember the significant moments that God gave when i did not deserve/expect Him to.
At the end of the day, the things that impact my soul will be easily, effortlessly remembered…

And yes, i think that’s the right order of things…=)

We speak of ‘touching’ a man’s heart,
but we can do nothing to his head but hit it.
~G K Chesterton~

HAHAHA!
Chesterton has a way with words that really tickles me!
It’s witty yet utterly incisive in its precision

Words really do have a clarifying effect on me,
and yes, trying to find my voice in words is getting fun again! =D